This is a sad, sappy post, so if you don't want to feel a little down I suggest skipping this one.
I've had a lot of moments since September when I have had to pick staying in rather than going out because of finances, which is a very adult thing to me. Yesterday, however, I had to do the most adult thing I think that's happened to me - share the loss of someone else's loved one.
I have lost 3 of my 4 grandparents. Each time was harder than the last. My Grandpa O'Brien died when I was in high school and it made me lose it - he was my favorite person of all time. Both my Grandpa Slade and Nana O'Brien passed when I was in my first semester of law school, within a week of each other. Another really hard time. And when others lose a loved one, it brings it all back. I have had friends lose loved ones but last week my boyfriend lost his grandfather.
A little background before we get to yesterday:
Matt's grandfather was a very active man - he was involved in the community all over the place. He had 5 children, all of whom had numerous children of their own. He was 86 when he passed, due to heart issues. Matt found out he only had a few days on Tuesday. His plan was to drive down to the Cape on Wednesday after work, but he didn't have time - his grandfather passed Wednesday while he was at work.
Things to know about Matt - he doesn't do emotion. As many guys, he is pretty stoic when something is bugging him. A friend of his pointed out to me that when Matt is upset, he buys crappy light beer. Last Wednesday, he came home with a pack of Miller Lite - the friend knew immediately something was wrong. Last night, he had 2 Miller Lite's with dinner. A detail as tiny as that breaks my heart. Another thing - he hadn't seen his grandfather since Christmas, and didn't get to say goodbye. It affects you more than you think it will.
Yesterday was the wake. It was in West Falmouth, which for anyone unfamiliar is far away. I work in Framingham, which is also far away. I left work early yesterday and drove down to the service to be with him, because that is what you do. It was so hard for me, though, because it just made me relive past experiences. It made me miss my grandfathers and grandmother. My heart broke when, at the end of the night, all of the kids and grandkids said goodnight to Grandpa Joe. Saying goodbye is so hard.
The wake was beautiful, though. There were gorgeous flowers. The line was out the door the entire time - they had to start at 3:30 because there were already so many people there. Poor Matt was so overwhelmed with the amount of people there. And I am not going to lie - so was I. I met more people in his family last night than I ever thought I would. I was happy to meet them, but I do wish it had been in better circumstances.
I didn't eat much yesterday, drove 2 hours, and was on my feet almost as long as Matt was, but I was doing my absolute best not to complain, which is super hard for me (I complain about EVERYTHING). Yesterday was about being there for Matt and his family and putting aside my issues and my own sadness. And I think I did a pretty good job, actually. I am having a bit of trouble today - I really couldn't afford the hours off work and Matt insisted I didn't have to go down for the actual funeral, but I wish I was there. I wish I could have met his grandpa when he was alive. I wish Matt didn't have to go through this at all, especially now when his job is so busy and stressful.
But I think yesterday was a turning point for us. We have been together for 1 year and 10 months, give or take, and I felt closer to him yesterday than ever before. Tragedy can either push people away from each other or bring them together, and I am so glad he didn't push me away when I think that is his first instinct.
I apologize for the stream of consciousness of this post - and for the sad and sappy moments. I just needed to get it out. Thanks for listening :)
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