This is a sad, sappy post, so if you don't want to feel a little down I suggest skipping this one.
I've had a lot of moments since September when I have had to pick staying in rather than going out because of finances, which is a very adult thing to me. Yesterday, however, I had to do the most adult thing I think that's happened to me - share the loss of someone else's loved one.
I have lost 3 of my 4 grandparents. Each time was harder than the last. My Grandpa O'Brien died when I was in high school and it made me lose it - he was my favorite person of all time. Both my Grandpa Slade and Nana O'Brien passed when I was in my first semester of law school, within a week of each other. Another really hard time. And when others lose a loved one, it brings it all back. I have had friends lose loved ones but last week my boyfriend lost his grandfather.
A little background before we get to yesterday:
Matt's grandfather was a very active man - he was involved in the community all over the place. He had 5 children, all of whom had numerous children of their own. He was 86 when he passed, due to heart issues. Matt found out he only had a few days on Tuesday. His plan was to drive down to the Cape on Wednesday after work, but he didn't have time - his grandfather passed Wednesday while he was at work.
Things to know about Matt - he doesn't do emotion. As many guys, he is pretty stoic when something is bugging him. A friend of his pointed out to me that when Matt is upset, he buys crappy light beer. Last Wednesday, he came home with a pack of Miller Lite - the friend knew immediately something was wrong. Last night, he had 2 Miller Lite's with dinner. A detail as tiny as that breaks my heart. Another thing - he hadn't seen his grandfather since Christmas, and didn't get to say goodbye. It affects you more than you think it will.
Yesterday was the wake. It was in West Falmouth, which for anyone unfamiliar is far away. I work in Framingham, which is also far away. I left work early yesterday and drove down to the service to be with him, because that is what you do. It was so hard for me, though, because it just made me relive past experiences. It made me miss my grandfathers and grandmother. My heart broke when, at the end of the night, all of the kids and grandkids said goodnight to Grandpa Joe. Saying goodbye is so hard.
The wake was beautiful, though. There were gorgeous flowers. The line was out the door the entire time - they had to start at 3:30 because there were already so many people there. Poor Matt was so overwhelmed with the amount of people there. And I am not going to lie - so was I. I met more people in his family last night than I ever thought I would. I was happy to meet them, but I do wish it had been in better circumstances.
I didn't eat much yesterday, drove 2 hours, and was on my feet almost as long as Matt was, but I was doing my absolute best not to complain, which is super hard for me (I complain about EVERYTHING). Yesterday was about being there for Matt and his family and putting aside my issues and my own sadness. And I think I did a pretty good job, actually. I am having a bit of trouble today - I really couldn't afford the hours off work and Matt insisted I didn't have to go down for the actual funeral, but I wish I was there. I wish I could have met his grandpa when he was alive. I wish Matt didn't have to go through this at all, especially now when his job is so busy and stressful.
But I think yesterday was a turning point for us. We have been together for 1 year and 10 months, give or take, and I felt closer to him yesterday than ever before. Tragedy can either push people away from each other or bring them together, and I am so glad he didn't push me away when I think that is his first instinct.
I apologize for the stream of consciousness of this post - and for the sad and sappy moments. I just needed to get it out. Thanks for listening :)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
So Many Emotions
I have a number of friends who took the MA Bar in July. I know how craptastic that experience can be, as I did it last year. 2 of those friends, however, were more at the forefront of my mind. I will call them Friend 1 and Friend 2 (no relation to Thing 1 or Thing 2).
Friend 1
I have known this woman since I was 12. We started law school at the same time, at different schools, but during the second half of her first year her brother was diagnosed with cancer. Her brother is one of my favorite people, and they are very very close, so she decided to take a hiatus from school to spend time with her family during this hard time. I am happy to say that said brother is in remission and has been for a couple of years now. He is doing well. Friend 1 returned to law school but pretty much had to start over because of the way the first year is structured. She has gone through SO MUCH to get to the end; with a number of family tragedies getting in the way of her schoolwork she has done so well. Her story is interesting. She studied for the Bar all summer: we had many a bitch session about how much stress comes from so much information. Two things contributed to her thinking that she had definitely failed the Bar when the exam was over.
1. Our friend had cancer as a child and the treatments left her heart weak. She had been in the hospital awaiting a transplant, but there were complications and she had to have an LVAD inserted into her heart. It is an electrical device that I can't explain very well, but it meant open heart surgery. Friend 1 is very very close to this friend, and this was hard for her as well. That surgery was scheduled for day 1 of the Bar exam, so you can imagine where her attention would be.
2. On top of that, Friend 1 has trouble sleeping. In order to counteract that, she had a sleeping pill prescribed to her a couple of weeks before the Bar. About 1 week before the exam, she and her father were having trouble studying and they discovered one of the side effects of this pill was short term memory loss. So Friend 1 toasted us the day after the exam as such: "Hooray to failing the Bar!"
She was convinced she failed - had already been studying for February. And, my dear readers, she passed. Found out yesterday. She is a lawyer now and I couldn't be prouder of her - It says SO MUCH about her dedication and intelligence that she could succeed at this. I have been beaming for her since yesterday.
Friend 2
I met this woman through my boyfriend. He brought me to her law school graduation party and I was instantly ecstatic to be her friend. She is the sweetest, kindest, most heart-warming person I have ever met. She is also SUPER-smart. She took to Bar this past summer even though she graduated last year due to issues with her law school - there was some confusion about a policy the school had and they didn't giver her any leeway, and so she finished later than her class. She is not a fan of her law school. But I give her credit - we had dinner with another friend who currently goes to said law school and loves it, and Friend 2 was all grace and class and just steered the conversation away rather than bashing the school. I love her for that, among other things.
She studied SO HARD. I know, because I didn't study nearly as hard - I spent a lot of time goofing off at boyfriend's house rather than studying. She was up all hours of the night making flashcards. During the halfway point practice exam, she was sort of tricked into eating something with red dye - she is allergic, and it made her very sleepy, and she did not do as well as she wanted to. She honestly wanted to give up and I am so glad she didn't.
Unfortunately, Friend 2 does not get her mail sent to her house - she and her husband have a PO Box. When we spoke last night, it was after the PO had closed and MA doesn't post the results online until a week or so later than the letters go out. So I am still anxiously awaiting the results - I know, without a doubt, that she passed. She is hopeful but less optimistic. But I am looking forward to attending a party at her house soon so I can properly congratulate her. I will let you all know the results.
I am/was as nervous for these ladies as I was for myself - well, maybe a little less. My friends can attest to my utter confidence in the fact that I hadn't passed. The point of this post, though, is just to express how proud of my friends I am and how happy I am to be associated with such accomplished lawyers :)
Friend 1
I have known this woman since I was 12. We started law school at the same time, at different schools, but during the second half of her first year her brother was diagnosed with cancer. Her brother is one of my favorite people, and they are very very close, so she decided to take a hiatus from school to spend time with her family during this hard time. I am happy to say that said brother is in remission and has been for a couple of years now. He is doing well. Friend 1 returned to law school but pretty much had to start over because of the way the first year is structured. She has gone through SO MUCH to get to the end; with a number of family tragedies getting in the way of her schoolwork she has done so well. Her story is interesting. She studied for the Bar all summer: we had many a bitch session about how much stress comes from so much information. Two things contributed to her thinking that she had definitely failed the Bar when the exam was over.
1. Our friend had cancer as a child and the treatments left her heart weak. She had been in the hospital awaiting a transplant, but there were complications and she had to have an LVAD inserted into her heart. It is an electrical device that I can't explain very well, but it meant open heart surgery. Friend 1 is very very close to this friend, and this was hard for her as well. That surgery was scheduled for day 1 of the Bar exam, so you can imagine where her attention would be.
2. On top of that, Friend 1 has trouble sleeping. In order to counteract that, she had a sleeping pill prescribed to her a couple of weeks before the Bar. About 1 week before the exam, she and her father were having trouble studying and they discovered one of the side effects of this pill was short term memory loss. So Friend 1 toasted us the day after the exam as such: "Hooray to failing the Bar!"
She was convinced she failed - had already been studying for February. And, my dear readers, she passed. Found out yesterday. She is a lawyer now and I couldn't be prouder of her - It says SO MUCH about her dedication and intelligence that she could succeed at this. I have been beaming for her since yesterday.
Friend 2
I met this woman through my boyfriend. He brought me to her law school graduation party and I was instantly ecstatic to be her friend. She is the sweetest, kindest, most heart-warming person I have ever met. She is also SUPER-smart. She took to Bar this past summer even though she graduated last year due to issues with her law school - there was some confusion about a policy the school had and they didn't giver her any leeway, and so she finished later than her class. She is not a fan of her law school. But I give her credit - we had dinner with another friend who currently goes to said law school and loves it, and Friend 2 was all grace and class and just steered the conversation away rather than bashing the school. I love her for that, among other things.
She studied SO HARD. I know, because I didn't study nearly as hard - I spent a lot of time goofing off at boyfriend's house rather than studying. She was up all hours of the night making flashcards. During the halfway point practice exam, she was sort of tricked into eating something with red dye - she is allergic, and it made her very sleepy, and she did not do as well as she wanted to. She honestly wanted to give up and I am so glad she didn't.
Unfortunately, Friend 2 does not get her mail sent to her house - she and her husband have a PO Box. When we spoke last night, it was after the PO had closed and MA doesn't post the results online until a week or so later than the letters go out. So I am still anxiously awaiting the results - I know, without a doubt, that she passed. She is hopeful but less optimistic. But I am looking forward to attending a party at her house soon so I can properly congratulate her. I will let you all know the results.
I am/was as nervous for these ladies as I was for myself - well, maybe a little less. My friends can attest to my utter confidence in the fact that I hadn't passed. The point of this post, though, is just to express how proud of my friends I am and how happy I am to be associated with such accomplished lawyers :)
Thursday, October 20, 2011
I am SUCH a procrastinator
Second post update!
SO! I have a job. Sort of. I am actually not allowed to call it a job because it is an AmeriCorps position - so I volunteer to get a biweekly stipend of really little money. It is a position in legal services - I am an attorney working in Housing, helping people not become homeless. And I love it. I missed being a lawyer. But I am also terrrrrrified that I will be bad at it. Also, this is a temporary position...another one, yay!
I am realizing how much of my life is temporary. This is the second job since I graduate from Law School that is a temp position. I don't pay the following: my cell phone bill, my car insurance, my excise tax...because my parents still do. Which is, don't get me wrong, amazing. Because I can barely handle the bills I have now. But I am 26 - I should be there by now. Something that gives me anxiety ALL THE TIME.
My relationship with my boyfriend is great. I love him and he loves me and we are two very old children. He just turned 25. Things we like to do include going to the arcade, throwing stuff at each other, chasing each other around the apartment (mine or his), and generally being obnoxious to all around with our juvenile antics.
These things make me wonder, though. Do you really have to be an "adult" just because you are past the age of 25? Can't I still watch the Disney Channel without feeling like I am too old to enjoy it?
In my non-adult way, I am really bad at finishing things. I am currently in the middle of/near the end of something like 5 or 6 books. All of which I want to finish. But then I choose the Disney Channel over using my brain at the end of the day, and the books never get finished. Something else - I need INSTANT gratification. I always peek at the end of the book to see if the main character ends up with the person I want them with, I have to call people RIGHT AWAY when I have a thought, even if it is at midnight and I know they're probably asleep. That doesn't make me crazy does it?
Also - I am looking for advice from bloggers. This is not going to be very well-themed - it's about my journey to becoming a real-live adult, preferably a lawyerly one. But how much does one have to stick to a theme for people to want to read?
SO! I have a job. Sort of. I am actually not allowed to call it a job because it is an AmeriCorps position - so I volunteer to get a biweekly stipend of really little money. It is a position in legal services - I am an attorney working in Housing, helping people not become homeless. And I love it. I missed being a lawyer. But I am also terrrrrrified that I will be bad at it. Also, this is a temporary position...another one, yay!
I am realizing how much of my life is temporary. This is the second job since I graduate from Law School that is a temp position. I don't pay the following: my cell phone bill, my car insurance, my excise tax...because my parents still do. Which is, don't get me wrong, amazing. Because I can barely handle the bills I have now. But I am 26 - I should be there by now. Something that gives me anxiety ALL THE TIME.
My relationship with my boyfriend is great. I love him and he loves me and we are two very old children. He just turned 25. Things we like to do include going to the arcade, throwing stuff at each other, chasing each other around the apartment (mine or his), and generally being obnoxious to all around with our juvenile antics.
These things make me wonder, though. Do you really have to be an "adult" just because you are past the age of 25? Can't I still watch the Disney Channel without feeling like I am too old to enjoy it?
In my non-adult way, I am really bad at finishing things. I am currently in the middle of/near the end of something like 5 or 6 books. All of which I want to finish. But then I choose the Disney Channel over using my brain at the end of the day, and the books never get finished. Something else - I need INSTANT gratification. I always peek at the end of the book to see if the main character ends up with the person I want them with, I have to call people RIGHT AWAY when I have a thought, even if it is at midnight and I know they're probably asleep. That doesn't make me crazy does it?
Also - I am looking for advice from bloggers. This is not going to be very well-themed - it's about my journey to becoming a real-live adult, preferably a lawyerly one. But how much does one have to stick to a theme for people to want to read?
Friday, October 15, 2010
Starting out...
I don't know how to blog - so please don't judge me anymore than I deserve. I say some pretty ridiculous things, mostly because I don't really think before speaking, but whaddyagonnado.
I decided to start this MOSTLY because I have a desire to rant against all things all the time. So instead of constantly annoying my friends with my annoying rants, I'm gonna put them here.
The title of this blog is in regards to the fact that I have finished law school and after being in school for ALL of my life, I am now stuck waiting. I hate the waiting game. But I also hate losing. So I am waiting and waiting for the following things: my dream job and to find out if I passed the bar exam.
Dream Job = Assistant DA at the Suffolk County (MA) DAs Office. Likelihood of getting the job - seemingly good, I did give them 2 years of my life for free. Though WHEN they will hire, who the hell knows...
Bar Exam = I AM SO NERVOUS. Biggest test I have ever taken, and I STILL have to wait a month to find out the results. CT and RI recently got their results, and it is just making me even more anxious. What if I didn't pass? Will I take it again? I don't know...I don't think I could afford to. I could barely afford to take it the first time! Plus, what it will do to my ego if I fail will be an awful sight to see. My boyfriend has this unerring faith that I passed (which might have a little more to do with the he-doesn't-want-me-all-crazy-like type of feeling, but who knows). I, however, have no freakin clue.
This was not much of a rant, but as I said, I'm just starting. Maybe I might even get funny soon.
I decided to start this MOSTLY because I have a desire to rant against all things all the time. So instead of constantly annoying my friends with my annoying rants, I'm gonna put them here.
The title of this blog is in regards to the fact that I have finished law school and after being in school for ALL of my life, I am now stuck waiting. I hate the waiting game. But I also hate losing. So I am waiting and waiting for the following things: my dream job and to find out if I passed the bar exam.
Dream Job = Assistant DA at the Suffolk County (MA) DAs Office. Likelihood of getting the job - seemingly good, I did give them 2 years of my life for free. Though WHEN they will hire, who the hell knows...
Bar Exam = I AM SO NERVOUS. Biggest test I have ever taken, and I STILL have to wait a month to find out the results. CT and RI recently got their results, and it is just making me even more anxious. What if I didn't pass? Will I take it again? I don't know...I don't think I could afford to. I could barely afford to take it the first time! Plus, what it will do to my ego if I fail will be an awful sight to see. My boyfriend has this unerring faith that I passed (which might have a little more to do with the he-doesn't-want-me-all-crazy-like type of feeling, but who knows). I, however, have no freakin clue.
This was not much of a rant, but as I said, I'm just starting. Maybe I might even get funny soon.
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